No matter who you are, you’ve probably at some point struggled with your own self confidence or unleashing your inner self or forming lasting friendships or maybe even experiencing orgasms. That’s what this episode with Melissa Ambrosini, author of Open Wide, is all about.
Melissa is here to teach us how to have deeper love, rocking relationships and soulful sex. ELLE magazine called Melissa a self-love guru. She’s really trying to be the voice for the modern woman. Rather than trying to preach like a lot of other relationship guides, she tries to be like the voice of your supportive best friend who is sharing her wisdom in a way that makes your journey a lot more fun and simple and easier to follow.
Melissa is going to give you tools that you can start using immediately to rewrite your future. So that you can have more authentic connections and to experience heart bursting love with a soul mate who gets you on the deepest level and of course, the best soulful sex of your life.
Melissa Ambrosini: Most of my life, I was living a life that was deeply that was unfulfilling to myself. I grew up in a house where it was all filled with people pleasersm and there was a lot of shame around our bodies. There was a lot of slamming of the doors when you walk past someone in the shower.
It was taboo and rude and naughty and dirty.
This kind of planted a seed in my mind that my body was not something to be proud of. It planted another seed that sex and sexuality and my femininity was something that needed to be suppressed.
For most of my life, I carried that with me, and when I started dating, I had very little confidence. I dated men just because they liked me and not because my heart really wanted to be in those relationships. I lived a life that was very outwardly focused ,so my measure of happiness was on the boyfriend or the jobs or what I looked like or how much money I was earning.
I didn’t know that there was another way to live. I didn’t know that you could actually feel grateful for your body. I didn’t know that your sexuality and your femininity was something to be celebrated.
To Rock Bottom and Back
Melissa Ambrosini: I went through most of my teens and 20s dating men that treated me like absolute crap and were verbally abusive and really suppressed and in that time, I really suppressed my truth, and I had what I call junk-food sex.
Which was just quick, easy, no connection, just about two people getting off as quickly as possible. Until I hit rock bottom in 2010.
I ended up in a hospital with a whole host of health issues. I had chronic fatigue, thyroid problems, I was dealing with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, an eating disorder.
Not only a whole host of physical manifestations but also mental as well. I was in the darkest and hardest place of my life. I had just had another guy dump me, he had just cheated on me. I had just moved back from living overseas, so I didn’t have a job. I was sleeping on my friend’s fold-out, single little bed—rent free, thank goodness.
I had no job, my friends dumped me because I was “too emotional” for them and going through too much at that time. I remember just thinking, what the F?
“God, why are you punishing me? What is the point of life?”
I was so sad. I went to the doctors one day because I had an old school friend that called me and she didn’t live where I lived. She lived about an hour and a half away. She said she had been through depression during high school, and she said to me, “Get up and go to the doctor.”
At this stage, I had lost a lot of weight because I was just so stressed and anxious and had eating issues and the doctor was like, “Yeah, you’re depressed. Here are some antidepressants.” And I wasn’t sleeping, so I was also on sleeping tablets, and I was also on like high doses of antibiotics for my skin because my skin was breaking out.
If I had have known back then, what I know now, I would have said “Hey, I’m not actually depressed, I’m just sad,” or “I’m just releasing some suppressed emotions.”
She gave me six sessions to see a psychologist, and I realized slowly over the next few months that I needed to get happy and healthy again. I had no idea how to do either of those two things but it was my mission. I just made it my number one priority to get happy and healthy again.
I actually went on and studied holistic nutrition because I felt like for me, the lowest hanging fruit was health. I started to clean up my health and started to nourish my body, stopped eating junk food, stopped partying and taking drugs.
“Really, I began to nourish my temple.”
That planted this seed in my mind. I started to have such deep reverence and appreciation for my vehicle, and I’d never had that before, I trashed my body, I take in crazy slimming pills and all sorts of ridiculous things to stay thin.
I started to love my body, I started to have this deep reverence for this miraculous vehicle that I had been gifted in this lifetime. Because when you actually really do understand the body, it’s just a miracle.
A New Love for the Body
Melissa Ambrosini: I don’t know if you – you have a child don’t you?
Charlie Hoehn: Yeah.
Melissa Ambrosini: Yeah, I don’t know if you got to fully witness your child coming out–
Charlie Hoehn: I did.
Melissa Ambrosini: Yeah, is that not the most miraculous thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life?
Charlie Hoehn: It’s pretty unreal, especially in retrospect, now that she’s 11 months old like wow, we made that. It’s unreal.
Melissa Ambrosini: Totally. That’s real life magic, like stuff magic card tricks and coin tricks, this is magic. And so I now, I learned how to have a deep reverence and respect for my vehicle and I now do. I am just in awe and so grateful.
Every day—thank you arms, thank you legs, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I’m so grateful for my health, every day, it’s at the top of my gratitude list. Ahen you come from a place of not having it in the past, you do really respect it when you have it.
“There’s not a day that goes by where I’m not grateful for my health.”
Then I realized after that that it wasn’t just about what I put in my mouth, it was about thoughts that I was thinking. The inner dialogue that was going on in between my ears and that constant, you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not skinny enough, you’ll never get out of debt, you’ll never meet the guy.
Those egoic limiting, fear based thoughts that were on repeat in my mind were things that I needed to look at.
I made it my mission.
I call that voice inside our head, you know, you can call it your ego or your shadow self or your inner critic, whatever you want to call it. I call it my inner mean girl. For guys, you can call it your inner bad boy, whatever you want.
That’s where my first book came from, Mastering Your Inner Mean Girl. I learned how to master her. Just like you have to learn how to master the piano, it’s something that you practice every day. I still practice it.
No More Inner Mean Girl
Melissa Ambrosini: Women have between 60,000 and 80,000 thoughts a day.
Men have around 40,000. That’s potentially 60 to 80,000 times that you’re going to have to master your inner mean girl or bad boy a day.
Charlie Hoehn: Right, isn’t the percentage of those thoughts as well, like not overwhelmingly negative but like 70, almost 80% negative for the average person?
Melissa Ambrosini: Yup. That’s a lot of inner mean girl mastering that you have to do in one day. The more you practice it, the better you get at it, it’s like learning how to master the piano.
I have a three step process that I talk about in my first book, and i’s a very simple three step process but it’s not always easy. Especially if you’ve got a very loud inner critic, that you have had on repeat on volume 10 with a very heavy base for 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years then it might feel a little bit challenging.
The three step process goes like this.
“The first step is awareness.”
In order for any transformation, the first step is you’ve got to be aware of what’s going on. You got to become aware of the thoughts that she’s telling you. Maybe it’s – you’re not good enough, you’ll never write the book, it won’t succeed, it will be a flop, you’ll never make the New York Times bestseller list.
Who do you think you are, you’ll never get out of debt, you’ll never meet the guy, this won’t happen for you. I’m sure you can relate to some of those thoughts. That’s the first step, awareness. You have to become aware of what your inner critic is saying to you.
What I used to do is I’d write it down.
I’d say, “My mean girl is currently telling me that my book is going to flop, or my mean girl is currently telling me that no one is going to buy it.”
Awareness is the first step.
Close the Door
The second step is we gently close the door on those thoughts. What most people do is they let their inner critic come knocking on their mental door, wanting to plant the seed of doubt. What most people do is they let that thought in and they let it come and hang out in the house and eat their food and sleep in between them and their spouse. They let them leave their dirty washing all over the floor.
But if you think about your inner critic like an annoying sales person who comes knocking on your door, you wouldn’t necessarily let that annoying sales person come in and give you their 45 minute spiel on Tupperware.
You’re like, thank you but no thank you, I’m not interested today, I don’t have time.
“We’ve got to close the door on that thought.”
“Thank you but no thank you, I’m not interested today.”
It’s not about slamming the door in your ego’s face. it’s not about killing the ego or smashing the ego, because the ego can sometimes have some really good points. Sometimes. Most of the time. Not always.
We gently close the door, we say thank you and no thank you.
The third step is we choose love instead. We get out of our head and slide back on down into our heart and ask ourselves, hang on, is that actually true? Do I have hardcore evidence that my book is going to flop? Do I have hardcore documented evidence that no one is going to buy my book? No.
It’s just a made up story that I’ve told in my head over and over again.
That’s the three step process. Awareness, gently close the door, choose love instead.
It’s really your responsibility to take yourself through that three step process. Sometimes 80,000 times a day. The more you do it, the better you’re going to get at it. It’s like a muscle.
The stronger, the more you practice your squats, the tighter your booty is going to get. Same with mastering your ego. The more you do it, the stronger it’s going to get.
I’m not enlightened. I’m not going to say I never had a mean girl thought ever again. If I were enlightened, I would have levitated out of this body by now. I’m still here because there’s still more for me to learn.
I’ve got in really good at mastering her and quicker at mastering her. When a limiting, fear-based thought pops up, I almost just laugh at it now. That’s so funny that she’s trying to tell me that my book’s going to fail or no one’s going to buy it or whatever.
Complement not Completion
Melissa Ambrosini: That’s the three step process that I share in my first book, Mastering Your Mean Girl. That really began my self-love inward journey many years ago.
Once I began to really love myself and really have a deep appreciation for my vehicle and who I was and I got on purpose, I started doing the work that I was meant to do in this world, which is helping people unlock their full potential and leave their best life.
I got on my purpose, I got on my path, I healed my body, I got happy and healthy again.
There was one other area that I still had yet to really look at and that was my relationship with a partner. I began reading some of the work of David Deida, he wrote The Way of the Superior Man and Dear Lover.
I started to dive in to the world of Tantra and Taoism, and I began to connect with what it would really feel like to be with my soul mate. I had never felt this before. I kind of always dated men that treated me like a doormat, and it was kind of more just convenient. They liked me and I was kind of like, okay, all right.
There was never a heart to heart connection because I just kind of thought that that’s just what it was like.
And then I began to read David Deida’s work and uncovered this understanding that you can have your soul mate. That it actually exists.
“Your soulmate is someone who will complement you, not complete you.”
All of the men in my life had completed me, you know. I filled a void in them and they filled a void in me. I didn’t know that there was another way, I didn’t know that your soul mate is there to complement not complete.
I didn’t know that your soul mate is the cherry on top of your already delicious gluten free chocolate brownie. They’re not there to fulfill you, they’re not there to complete you. You’re already whole and complete and perfect just as you are and they’re just the cherry on top.
When I actually understood them and I got that, my soul mate walked into my life.
I had done so much inner work on myself and got into that place where I felt so much inner peace and contentment. I had never felt inner peace and contentment before. I had never felt overflowing self-love for myself before.
Then I finally had felt that, and then he walks into my life.
When you meet your soul mate, get ready for the most radical ride of your life. I think a lot of people think that when you meet your one, it’s going to be all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.
That definitely isn’t the case, because they are your biggest mirror. They are your biggest spiritual assignment, your biggest teacher. That’s definitely been the case for us. We dove head first into the most heart opening expansive relationship, but also, what we’re really doing is just diving deeper within ourselves.
We have the most beautiful and inexpensive, authentic relationship, where we’re both willing to grow and learn and to be the best version of ourselves so that we can show up for ourselves and for each other.
Melissa Ambrosini: Open Wide, A Radically Real Guide to Deep Love, Rocking Relationships and Soulful Sex is about everything I’ve learned about relationships. It’s a manual for women and men, but it’s written mainly for women to unlock their full potential so that they can share that with another human being.
Relationships are our biggest assignments, yet we’re not taught how to be in them. We’re kind of born into this world and no one teaches us how to navigate relationships, no one teaches us how to be an epic lover or an epic friend or an epic daughter.
“No one teaches us this stuff.”
We learn by watching our parents and sometimes that is an epic example and sometimes it’s really crap. My parents are still together and they have a beautiful relationship, but it’s definitely not the relationship that I want. Mine looks very different to theirs.
This is everything I’ve learned about how to have deep love, which is why we’re here on earth. Not to have superficial, surface level relationships. I want deep love, I want deep intimacy, deep connection with my friends, with my family, with my lover, with my children.
I want rocking relationships, I want soulful intimacy soulful connections and soulful sex. Because, for most of my life, I had this surface level superficial relationships and connections and sex and now I want deep. Because it’s just going deeper within yourself, you know?
Your relationships are a reflection of you, so it’s just about going deeper within yourself. I’m ready for it. This book is about that, it’s about opening wide to yourself and to those around you so that you can experience deep love, rocking relationships, and soulful sex.
Change the Narrative
Charlie Hoehn: I remember reading a study that in America, we’re particularly taboo, we do a poor job of teaching teenagers about sex. The way that we talk about sex makes it seem very taboo. This topic is very deserving to have some light shed on it and to have the guilt and shame removed. Let’s dive in then, let’s start with that.
Melissa Ambrosini: If we loved ourselves and our vehicle and our bodies so much, we wouldn’t do things to it, we wouldn’t trash it with drugs and alcohol, we might not sleep around as much. We might not say nasty things to it.
The way that the body shaming, the taboo, and the guilt—the way that it’s going to stop is with us.
It’s with you and your wife, in your home, right now so that your daughter doesn’t pick it up and so that my son doesn’t pick it up. There’s so many techniques that we talk about in the book about with children. It starts with you. It starts with your wife, your wife has to look at herself in the mirror and go yes, thank you body, I love you, you’re amazing.
Because if she looks at herself in the mirror and goes, gross, even if she doesn’t say it, your daughter is picking up on that energy. She will feel it. Do you know what I mean?
It’s energetic. Your wife or I don’t even have to say anything, and if we just walk past a mirror and go inside, they’re going to pick that up. If you and your wife are making love and your daughter walks in and you’re like, you slam the door on her face…not that you do that, but she’s going to pick up on those queues.
That’s what happened to me as a child, it was dirty, it was naughty, it was rude. It was like, don’t touch yourself. That’s naughty.
“That really distorted my relationship with my body.”
What we can do for our children and our children’s children and to break this long lineage line of body shaming, guilt, and taboo is it starts with us. My husband and I have a lot of body confidence in our house. Especially in front of Leo. We walk around naked.
I remember when I first got with my husband and he would walk out of the shower butt naked, standing there, fully confident, talking to Leo, and I’d be like, babe, cover up, shouldn’t you cover up? He’s like, “no.”
I had all this baggage from my childhood and I was like, “Don’t let Leo see you like that? Cover up.”
When Leo went to bed that night, he sat me down and we had a conversation about it.
He just expressed to me, “I want Leo to see confident, masculine man, confident in his body, not trying to change it or fix it or improve it, just really confident.”
He said, “I want Leo to see that with you too.”
Of course I want him to see that. So he said, “Only if you feel comfortable, of course.”
Growing Up with Taboo
Melissa Ambrosini: It really was innate within me just to be naked around him, like I didn’t actually care. It was more the logical my god, you shouldn’t do that that popped into my head.
We shower in front of him, he sees us completely naked. I’m sure they’ll get to a point, he’s 12 at the moment, I’m sure in a few years, we might all start showering with the door closed.
If that does happen, we’ll just let that organically happen.
Leo has started occasionally closing the door, and we don’t make a big deal about it. That’s just what he wants to do.
We practice what I talk about in the book, which is crystal clear communication, with him. We practice that with everyone in our life, especially each other, and then especially Leo. We’ll say to him, we’re closing the door because we’re going to be making love, and he’s like, “Cool. Alright, see you soon.”
“That never happened in my family.”
It was very secretive and private and I private and I ended up walking in on my parents making love. It was like, get out, my god, that sort of reaction. My god, get out, close the door.
We just are very open with Leo and very honest. You know, every night, over the dinner table, we say three things that we’re grateful for.
We go around and we all say three things and you know, often, Nick will say, “I’m so grateful for the beautiful love making I got to have with my wife this morning.” We say things like that and we talk about it with him, and we’re just open and we’re honest.
In some European cultures, it is revered, it is celebrated.
When the women get their period, it is celebrated. It is honored, it is like wow, you are stepping into your womanhood. Same with the men. There are some cultures—I write about this in the book—that they have ceremonies to celebrate when the girls get their periods and when the men grow from boys to men and go out hunting with their father.
Some schools, even in Leo’s school, when they turn 13 which is you know, when they’re kind of – the equivalent of them kind of stepping into their manhood and the women stepping into their female womanhood and are getting their period, they go from wearing shorts to long pants. That’s kind of like a symbol of stepping into manhood.
It’s really beautiful, again, when I got my period, I think I was around maybe 14 or 15, I can’t really remember. It was not spoken about. My mom didn’t sit me down and talk about what’s happening.
“I thought I was dying.”
Celebrating your body and celebrating your femininity and your godessence and reconnecting with your god-essence is something to really be proud of and to celebrate, and same with men.
It’s something to be honored and celebrate. Reconnecting with your godessence, which is what I talk a lot about in the book, is about reconnecting with your truth. Reconnecting with your heart, reconnecting with your true essence, and that looks different for everyone.
It’s very important that we reconnect with the truth of who we are, which is that beautiful essence inside your heart.
Charlie Hoehn: You talk about the six archetypes. Why did you include that in the book and what are those archetypes?
Melissa Ambrosini: Yeah, I love the different archetypes that women get to play in our life. Same with men. We get to wear different hats. It’s the same as different archetypes. You get to play the mother role, you get to play the queen, the goddess, the priestess, women get to wear all of these different hats, and so do men.
I included it in the book, because I was coming across a lot of serial, go getting, type A driven women entrepreneurs that were just wearing this one hat. This warrior, go getter, over achiever, and that was definitely me.
I wanted to inspire women to reconnect with all of the different archetypes that are innate within us.
The mother, the nurturer, the queen, the priestess, the goddess—all of these beautiful different archetypes that we have access to. When we live in a world and we surround ourselves like you and I do with serial entrepreneurs, type As, go getters, over achievers.
“We can forget about these other innate archetypes within us.”
That’s why I included it in the book, because it is innate within all women to mother. Whether that’s mothering a child or mothering your dog or your cat or other people, it’s innate within us.
I didn’t realize how innate it was within me until I had my step son come into my life. Because before that, I was like no, I don’t want to have kids, no, I’m too driven. I just want to write multiple books and speak all over the world and achieve.
“I don’t want children. They are going to slow me down.”
Until Leo came into my life and I got to put on that hat, that mothering nurturing hat, wear that archetype, and that’s when I realized, “Holy moly it’s so innate within us.”
It’s so innate and it’s so natural and it’s so beautiful and it’s been such a beautiful archetype that I love playing.
I really wanted to inspire women to play around with them, wear the different hats, unlock different parts of yourself that maybe you have suppressed for a little while.
“Maybe you’ve been completely down the other end of the spectrum.”
Maybe you have just been complete mother and nurturer and you have neglected that warrior, that go getter, that goddess type of you.
Maybe it’s about coming back and rebalancing a little bit of that, and ultimately, what we want to do is balance all of them. Play with all of them, because that’s where life becomes colorful and joyful and fun.
I see the women like myself who are just warriors and achievers and go getters. There’s a void in them, and it needs to be balanced with all of the different archetypes. It’s so much fun. It adds color and diversity to your life, and that is why I included it.
Charlie Hoehn: You have a list of steps to take in order to host a group night with your soul sisters, your best female friends. Have you done a bunch of nights like this? Is this a part of your regular routine?
Melissa Ambrosini: Absolutely. So I call them “goddess circles,” and this is something that I realized a lot of women were really missing in their life. Just a little caveat here, this book is amazing for mentoring too, and let me tell you why.
I have had so many emails, that messages on social media from men that have read this book and have said, “Thank you so much. I now understand my partner or my wife so much deeper.”
Women are designed to be in tribes, and modern day society doesn’t really allow for that you know? We live in our tiny boxes on our own and we’re inside all day long raising our children by ourselves. A lot of us don’t leave anywhere near our families, and so we feel very isolated and alone.
But if you go back to all about great ancestors, they grew up in tribes. It was all of the women, the aunties, the uncles, the grandmothers, they all lived together. And all of the aunties and the grandmothers and the sisters and the friends and the cousins raised the children together whist the men went out hunting.
We thrive on female to female connection, and it literally changes our hormones.
I am not joking. There is scientific evidence that it decreases cortisol in the body, it releases serotonin. I don’t know if you know this, but when you are around women, sometimes you sync to your periods to each other. That is how powerful the female pheromones and hormones are. It’s just so beautiful like how freaking amazing is that?
“How amazing is the body that it does that?”
So most of my girlfriends were all in sync, so I realized back when I was this overachieving type A that just wanted to write books, doesn’t want to have kids, go-go-go, I was very in my own world.
I was living a very selfish life, like I just was in my own path. I wasn’t of service, I wasn’t really helping other people. I was too busy to catch up with anyone, and I realize that there was a massive void in me. That was my female friendships. So I started creating these goddess circles.
And this was like you said before, it is a very intimate beautiful evening where we’ve come together, we’d share a beautiful plate of food together. We’d sit in circles, and we’d have a little ceremony, and it was really beautiful. We did this on the full moon of every month, and it was gorgeous.
I did it for many, many years, and I absolutely loved it. Something very powerful happens when women come together. It is really beautiful.
In the book, I talk about how you can do that. How you can create your own goddess circle so that you can have that same experience, because I know so many women who feel isolated and alone, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
Charlie Hoehn: What is your recommendation for somebody, maybe a woman who has been feeling lonely who just hasn’t done this sort of thing for a while, where does she need to start?
Melissa Ambrosini: Great question, and I talk about this in the book as well, but the first place is starting by inviting one or two people. It doesn’t have to be 15 people. Just one or two people even one person and extending the invitation practicing what I call CCC. Crystal Clear Communication. Especially with your friends, especially with your soul sisters.
I would have an open dialogue and say, “Hey I’m really…”
“Speak from your heart.”
“I am really craving a deeper connection with my soul sisters, especially you, and I would love if we could have a regular catch up ,maybe it’s once a month or once every two weeks or whatever it is. I would just love to have a regular catch up. You know maybe it is just an hour, I know we’ve got things on, we’ve got kids, we’ve got this, we’ve got that but I’d really love that so much. I love to deepen our connection. I would just love this.”
And the person is either going to say, “Oh my god I’d love that too” or they’ll be like, “No.” Well not no—they might be like, “I don’t know maybe one”…
What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll say no or they don’t respond.
People have done that to me, people have done that to me and I just go, “Okay cool they’re not ready,” and that’s fine. They are not at that point in their life where they want to go deeper with their soul sisters, and that’s fine.
You can’t take it personally, and I talk a lot about this in the book. You can’t take anything personally. You can extend the invitation and see what happens, but you can’t take it personally.
Finding Your Soul Mate
Charlie Hoehn: Soul mate city and how to have rocking relationships. How do we find our soul mate?
Melissa Ambrosini: Okay, so I wanted to just interject here quickly and say the reason why the book is in three sections is because the first question is all about you. It is falling in love with yourself. It is all about unleashing your inner goddess, it’s about you.
The second section is about how to have this rocking relationships with your friends and with your lover, and then the third section is how to go really deep with your beloved.
So it’s a progression, and you’ve got to do that in that order. I know it’s very easy to want to skip to the soulful sex part at the back of the book, but you’ve got to do them in order.
“It starts with you first, then your relationships, and then you can go deeper.”
If you want epic relationships, you’ve got to have an epic relationship with yourself first. If you want to find your soul mate, you’ve got to be your own soul mate first.
You’ve got to really love yourself. You’ve got to really cultivate a beautiful relationship and reverence for yourself first. Once you have really loved yourself a lot and you’ve done a bit of work on yourself, get clear on what it is that you want in a partner. Understand your core values, beliefs, interests and hobbies.
You need to know your core values and beliefs so deeply so that you can call in someone who shares those same values and beliefs.
They don’t have to all be the same, but there are a couple of deal breakers in there, and you need to know what those deal breakers are. For example, if one of your core values is to not hit children and you start dating someone who believes in hitting children, how is that going to work?
Charlie Hoehn: I take it you mean punishment and not somebody who just goes around from school to school bullying children.
Melissa Ambrosini: Oh yes, I mean as in like your children like if they believe in discipline is smacking children, which I know some people do. Some people believe in smacking kids. I mean I was smacked as a child, I was hit with a belt, and that’s just what my dad believed in.
And some people don’t believe in that. For Nick, he would never ever lay a hand on Leo ever. It doesn’t matter what he did. So it’s really important that you know your core values and your beliefs so that you can get aligned with someone who is on the same page.
So that is chapter four, dive into your ocean, is the first step on how you call in your soul mate. You’ve got to get really clear on that first. Then the second, you write it down.
Create a list of what you desire in your soul mate, and I am not taking about six foot two, blue eyes, blond hair, I am talking about the core values.
You Are Your Own Soul Mate
Melissa Ambrosini: The second step is that you act as if and what I mean by that is you act as if you already have your soul mate because you are your own soul mate and if you are looking outside of yourself for a soul mate, sometimes that tends to be like a lot of people then put their power in that person and they act as if that person is going to fill the void within them.
But we already have everything within ourselves. Our soul mate is just an epic human being that we get to hold hands through life with. They are our teammate, they are our cherry on top, but they are not there to fulfill us or fill the void within us.
“So you act as if you are already with your soul mate.”
So as an example and a story I share in the book about one of my friends, she did this. She did this exact thing. So she got really clear on what she wanted and what she didn’t want.
And then she decided to act on it. One of the things that she wanted to do with her soul mate when she found him was she wanted to go to the Amazon jungle and travel, and she wanted to go there for three months.
So she was like, “Okay I am just going to go do it. I’m going to act as if I’ve already got my soul mate, and I am going to do the things that I want to do. I am not going to sit here and wait to do those things until I have my soul mate.
So she went and did it, and guess what happens? She meets her soul mate in the Amazon jungle, and they’re still together 10 years later.
So you’ve got to really act as if you already have that soul mate, because you already do. You are already whole and complete, and you’ve already got what you actually want within you.
You don’t want to come in a place of wanting them to fill a void.
Uncovering Deep Love
Charlie Hoehn: Alright, so you start off with sex, shame, taboo and guilt. What do people need to know first and foremost?
Melissa Ambrosini: I really help people in this section of the book just to identify any guilt or shame or taboo that they have around it and we just let that go. We rewrite that.
Because I mentioned before, for my majority of my life I was having junk-food sex because it was quick and easy and the intent was to get off as quickly as possible.
I didn’t know that there was such thing as soulful connection and soulful intimacy with your beloved, and that’s what this section is all about. It’s about rewriting what sex means for you. It’s about letting go of the taboo, the guilt, the shame, and recreating how you want your sexual experience to be.
So for me now, and this has never been the case until my husband, sex is an experience with God.
“You can call it God love, oneness, whatever you want to call it.”
It is a beautiful intimate uniting and an experience with love, and I think what makes it that is the intention. The intention previously for me was just to get off, right? The intention now is to unite with my lover.
It is to experience oneness with my beloved. It is to be cracked open wide and to be totally real and authentic and vulnerable and honest with someone else staring at you. It is the most open I am. It is the only thing I do with him that I do not do with anyone else.
It is the most me I truly feel, and it is such a beautiful thing to experience and get to share, and I didn’t know that any of this was even possible. I didn’t know it because no one had taught me this at school.
So the reason why I wanted to share this is because it’s possible. It really is possible to have this type of deep union with someone else, and everyone is worthy of it.
Charlie Hoehn: So when you are going into the bedroom and you and your husband are about to make love, what are the thoughts that both of you are having? How do you set the intention?
Melissa Ambrosini: We often refer to it as adult mediation, because you are so present. I mean you can’t not be. You have to be so present with each other, because if you are not, he can feel it and I can feel it and I’m like, “Oi, where are you? Are you here? Are you here with me?” and sometimes I’m not.
Sometimes I’ll be like, “Babe no, I am actually not. I am feeling a little bit upset about what so and so said to me and I can’t get it out of my head,” and that happens.
But our intent with our love making is always to unify—it’s to come back to unity. Come back to our center, come back to our heart.
Why do we meditate? We meditate to come back to our center. Why do we make love? To come back to our center.
So that’s always our intention when we make love, is to unite and to experience oneness. But sometimes there are times where he’s in his head or I am in my head.
He might be stressing about something or I am worried about what so and so said to so and so or this email or something on my to-do list. In those moments, it’s my responsibility to help him open wide. And I do that by helping him get out of his head and back into his body. Get out of his head and back into his heart. So I might give him a massage with some coconut oil and essential oils and we’ve got some oils diffusing, and we’ll dim the lights and we’ll just talk for a while.
And I will massage and tickle and just help him get back into his body, and that’s my role as his beloved is to help him do that.
“We are a team here.”
Then there are times he does that for me. He’ll see that I am closed. Because in every moment, you’re either open or you’re closed. You’re closed off to the world, to the partner, to the kids, to the Uber driver, to the lady at the bank, to the girl at the coffee shop.
Or you are open wide to all of the beauty.
You are open to your husband, you are open to your friends, you are open to the Uber driver and that’s what this book is all about. It is about opening wide to all of the beauty that is constantly around you in mother nature and your friends.
It’s my role to help him open wide in those moments, and his for me too. You know that’s what we signed up for, when we said, “I do.”
“That’s what we signed up for—to help each other be the best version of ourselves.”
So that we can show up in the world as the best version of ourselves. It’s a really beautiful thing to be able to do for someone, to help them come back into their body to get present, to get out of their head.
Before you know it, the most beautiful, sacred love making is underway.
A Challenge from Open Wide
Charlie Hoehn: Could you give our listeners maybe a challenge something that they can try today that will be a small first step to making a positive impact on their life in opening wide?
Melissa Ambrosini: Okay, so I want everyone today to practice CCC, crystal clear communication, with yourself and with every single person you come into contact with. We are constantly telling little white lies, but what happens is, when we tell these little white lies, it builds and builds resentment within us, and eventually we’ll explode.
Not really not physically, but what we want to do is make sure we’re practicing crystal clear communication with ourselves.
Don’t lie to yourself.
“Be really honest with the stories that you are telling yourself.”
Be really, really honest with what you are letting your little inner mean girl tell you and then with the people around you.
Practice it with your family, with your friends, your kids, practice it when someone asks you, “How are you?” Practice it then. When someone says, “Hey can you do this?” Instead of saying, “Yeah, sure,” when you really wanted to say no, practice it then.
Practice it in every moment, because if we all just practiced crystal clear communication, there would be a lot less heartache and anger and frustration in the world, because there’s only ever a relationship breakdown when someone has failed to practice crystal clear communication.
I know with my son and with Nick, we only butt heads when one of us have forgotten to practice crystal clear communication and it takes a strong person to say:
“Oh whoops, sorry. I didn’t practice crystal clear communication there. What I should have said was this, this and this.”
So just start today. Start practicing.
Charlie Hoehn: I like that so much more than the phrase radical honesty which just seems like blurting potentially harsh truths out, but crystal clear communication is something that I have seen the most effective leaders do. On the flip-side, that is the breakdown of communication is literary the number one cause of divorce.
Melissa Ambrosini: Totally. And sometimes if Nick and I are in a bit of a heated conversation, he might say to me, “Honey, we’re not practicing crystal clear communication right now. So I am going to go for a walk and when I come back when you’re ready, let’s practice. Let’s practice crystal clear communication.”
And I might say the same thing to him. I’m like, “Babes, you know we are not practicing right now. So when we can, let’s come back together because right now, we’re just butting heads.”
And that’s how we speak to each other now.
Sometimes he’ll say to me, “Honey I really feel like you are not practicing it right now,” and I do the same.
“It is just speaking from your heart, not from your head.”
It’s speaking from your heart openly and honestly and clearly. That’s all it is. It will change all of your relationships. I practice it with my parents, with my siblings, with my friends, every one now, and it sometimes can feel really vulnerable and scary.
Don’t get me wrong, it can feel like that.
But what’s the alternative seriously? Is the alternative to lie to yourself? You end up creating more drama for yourself in the long run if you do lie to yourself or other person. Just practice it, straight up.
Connect with Melissa Ambrosini
Charlie Hoehn: How can our listeners stay connected with you, follow you, that sort of thing?
Melissa Ambrosini: So you can head to my website. It’s melissaambrosini.com, and if you go to Shop, all of my books and products and meditations and everything there for you.
I’ve created with Nick an Open Wide free video master class if you want to check that out. You just head to melissaambrosini.com/openwide. I’ve got my own podcast. It’s called the Melissa Ambrosini Show.
It’s epic, and Charlie is actually on it today. So his episode launched today.
So go and listen to my episode with Charlie. It’s awesome, and I absolutely loved our conversation. Let us know what you think of our conversation on my show.
And then I am super active on Instagram and I’ve got Facebook as well, but I love Instagram. Come and introduce yourself to me on Instagram, tell me that you heard this episode and what you got out of it.
I would love to hear your key takeaways and if you’ve read the book, I’d love to hear what you thought of the book. But yeah, website, podcast, Instagram, they are the three places that I am most active.